This one is simple enough, and yet you’d be surprised at how many people don’t even bother to say this. Whether the person who experienced loss is someone close to you or not, don’t be shy about sending a message via text, email, Instagram DM, anything. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate message, just an acknowledgement that you’re thinking of them could mean a lot.

There are so many ways you can help someone who is grieving the loss of their baby. You can start a collection to help fund any expenses they incurred as a result of the loss, or give them gift cards for food delivery services (because no one who is grieving will want to whip up dinner every night). Ask them what chores need to get done around the house that you can help with, or if they need something picked up from outside the home.

Even better than merely asking what they need (which forces them to do the mental work of taking stock of their to-do list, prioritizing it, and asking for help, which is a lot), offer to do specific tasks or bring them items they may want or need. That way, you reduce their answer to a simple "yes" or "no." If you want to feed them but don’t want to bother them, drop off some food on their front porch. Or, if you’re driving by and notice their weeds are out of control, take an hour out of your weekend and mow their lawn without even knocking on their door.

Every year, I walk in honor of my deceased daughter in the March for Babies (organized by March of Dimes). Many who have lost their babies participate in similar events or are actively trying to raise funds for the causes which address the reason they lost their children. In lieu of (or in addition to) flowers, ask if there’s an organization they might wish for you to support in honor of their baby.

Grieving parents are often in need of a friend to talk to, but we often feel isolated due to the circumstances of our grief. While many people grieve, say, the death of a grandparent or pet, it’s much less common to have many friends who share the experience of losing their babies. Still, we are often in need of a kind and attentive ear to simply listen to us sort through our pain. Reach out to your friend, and even if they don’t respond right away, keep checking in on them periodically to let them know you’re thinking of them.

Many grieving parents frequently need to have their pain acknowledged, and to be told that it isn’t strange or unusual for them to be in such pain. Let your loved one know that they are doing just fine feeling what they’re feeling and encourage them to feel their emotions.

Some parents may grieve more openly than others. Some might be quiet about it and not want to discuss the situation. If they’re feeling any sort of guilt over the way they’re grieving, let them know it’s OK to do it their own way. There is no right or wrong way to go about this, and there’s no way they can predict how they will react to their situation. They might end up surprising themselves if they don’t grieve the “textbook” way, which in turn might cause them to feel guilt. Remind them that whatever they are feeling is normal.

Sometimes there will be people (read: jerks) who will tell you that you’ve grieved your dead child for long enough. But unless you’ve been there, you have no idea what it is like. Parents who have lost their babies grieve them for the rest of their lives. And while you should certainly seek outside help if you are in a dark place for very long, you should also never allow someone else to make it seem as though you should not grieve your child however you do. Each person will handle their situation differently: some might feel numb at first and feel overwhelming sadness weeks, maybe even months later; some may grieve immediately and strongly, and for others, their grief may be a long, slow burn. Be patient with them — it’s going to be a long and rocky road.

Grieving parents often end up finding out who their true friends are once they’ve lost their children. True friends will be kind and understanding; false friends will try to force you to grieve as they would, or won’t acknowledge your pain. It's perfectly understandable if you want to cut the latter out of your life.

The best thing anyone ever told me after my daughter died was that it wasn’t my fault, and that I should ignore the guilt that consumed me. In those first few weeks, my mind constantly played tricks on me, trying to figure out how her death was somehow my fault. But it wasn’t. Let your loved one know that this was something out of their control, and be prepared to remind them of this again and again.

Just because your child dies doesn’t mean you are suddenly no longer a mother. A person becomes a mother from the moment they decide they will raise a child, and love them, and continues to be one whether they’re able to hold their babies in their arms or not.

This point requires a bit more explanation, but basically, a portion of the fetal cells of any babies remain in the mother long after they’ve left her body, as explained on National Public Radio (NPR). This includes any and every pregnancy, whether it ended in miscarriage or resulted in a live and healthy birth. These cells often go on to help the mother by turning themselves into muscle cells to make the heart stronger, liver cells, or even become neurons. I’ve known many a loss mom who found great comfort in this knowledge, that a physical part of their baby lives within them forever.

This is the truest statement when it comes to loss. The first few months for me were agonizing. I felt like I could barely breathe. Over the past few years, though, I’ve gotten much better at compartmentalizing that pain so that I can go on living a more or less normal life. They may not believe you at first, but this is better than being told “you’ll get over it” or “you’ll move on” because those statements just aren’t true. It may take more time for some and less for others, and you’ll always have some rough days throughout. But while time does not heal these wounds, it does make dealing with the pain easier and sure does help you learn to cope.

People don’t tell each other enough how much they love them. Let your friend in mourning know that you care for them, that you care that they continue to be around, that you love them dearly, that you will continue to be there for them, even if they keep trying to push you away. It really does help.