I considered myself as prepared for labor and delivery as any first-time mother could possibly be. I had read all the books and watched all the documentaries and practice breathing and enlisted the help of my partner and best friend. I had met with my labor and delivery team on numerous occasions; even knowing the names of most of the nurses on staff. I just knew I was ready, but I didn't realize that being a sexual assault survivor can affect labor and delivery. I didn't realize that, when it came time for my water to break and my contractions to start and for me to push, I would be thrown back into a vicious cycle of memories that had, thankfully, evaded me for some time.
Not every sexual assault survivor who decides to become a mother, has a difficult time with labor and delivery. Like anything else in this world, how one heals from sexual assault varies depending on the person and their experience. For instance, there are plenty of sexual assault survivors who don't have any problems breastfeeding, and even credit breastfeeding as an act that helped them heal from their trauma. Others, like myself, found breastfeeding to be a trigger, and had a difficult time successfully breastfeeding as a sexual assault survivor. Perhaps that is one of the most difficult, horrific parts of sexual assault: you have no idea how it will change your life in the days, weeks, months or even years to come. It's a shadow that can creep up on you when you least expect it. It's always present but not always visible. It's relentless and unkind and unapologetic.
As the parenting world continues to argue and endlessly debate as to what qualifies as the "best way to give birth," I think it's important that we take a look at how certain factors, especially factors as (sadly) common as sexual assault, play a role in labor and delivery. In the United States, 1 in 5 women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime. Many of those women, if they chose to and are able, will go on to have children, and their assault will undoubtably have an impact on their pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum lives. We cannot, with any certainty and certainly with a clear conscious, tell women what is best for them (whether it's birthing a baby, or in any other aspect of their lives) when we know the harrowing odds that they could very well be a survivor of sexual assault.
So, with that in mind, here are just a few ways being a sexual assault survivor can alter a woman's labor and delivery experience. Again, no two women are alike and how someone heals from sexual assault is entirely up to that individual, but my labor and delivery was definitely changed because I'm a sexual assault survivor, and I wish I would have known then what I know now.