Life
It should come as no surprise that there's nothing "easy" about giving birth. Whether vaginally or via c-section, delivering a baby can tear you down and, unfortunately, the rebuilding can involve some pretty embarrassing experiences. If you're shy or easily ashamed, get ready to face your fears because postpartum is no joke. However, and even though you'll cringe and probably turn a little red-faced during those embarrassing postpartum moments, you'll also laugh about them later. Thankfully.
I had no idea what to expect after my kids were born. I had a c-section with my oldest and a vaginal birth with my toddler, so each of my postpartum experiences were different. Both recoveries had their own, uniquely "special" humiliations and ended up somewhat destroying my dignity in different ways.
Between the hemorrhoids, surprise pee, and rogue farts, it can seem like your body is betraying you during the postpartum period. When you're in the throes of post-baby life it can all seem nothing short of mortifying, but in hindsight a lot of those "embarrassing" moments turn out to be nothing more than hilarious (or at least entertaining). I mean, who doesn't love a good, inappropriate fart story, amirite? There's solidarity in knowing that these things happen to every woman who has ever given birth. Ever. So, with that in mind and because we could all use a good laugh these days, here are a few embarrassing postpartum moments that'll give you something to smile about (just, you know, in a year or two).
When The Nurse Checks For Hemorrhoids
There will be a point where, if you've given birth vaginally, your nurse will have you roll onto your side so she can spread your ass cheeks and check out your newly formed and probably impressive hemorrhoids.
Try not to dwell on it.
When You're Afraid To Poop
You can only put it off for so long, especially if you're taking (probably necessary and very helpful) stool softeners. So, yes, eventually you'll have to poop and the prospect is terrifying. In fact, you'll most likely have to talk to your nurses about your impending bowel movement.
Don't sweat it. It's their job and they aren't judging you.
When You Need Help To Walk To The Bathroom
You're going to need help getting to the bathroom, which means you're going to have to ask for help to get to the bathroom. If you gave birth in a hospital, this means you'll have to use the nurse call button and ask for someone to come help you pee. Then, because needing help to pee isn't bad enough, you have to show the nurse your pee (which looks like someone bled out into the toilet).
When You Dribble Blood All The Way To The Bathroom
While you're needing help walking to the bathroom, you will most likely be leaving a trail of bloody splatter on the floor behind you; like a slasher movie or a crime scene.
Again, if you're in a hospital the nurses will play it cool (and probably successfully) but you know they're probably rethinking their life — or at least career — decisions, after having to clean your bloody pee off the floor.
When You Actually Do Need The Giant Pads
If this is your first baby, you may see those giant pads and scoff. Surely you won't need those ridiculous things.
Yeah, you'll need them. Lots of them. You'll cram your overnight bag full of them and then ask for more.
When You Rock That Mesh Underwear
Right along with those giant pads, you'll think you can't live with the mesh underwear. You'll either laugh or cry, but you'll use them and love them.
When You Fart. A Lot. Like, All The Time.
The unrelenting gas happens with vaginal birth or surgical birth. You will have gas like you binged on beans and surprise; you won't be able to control it.
If you gave birth vaginally, it'll take time to regain control of your pelvic floor muscles. If you had a c-section, the gas trapped in your abdomen has to come out.
It's called flatal incontinence, and it happens to pretty much everyone so buckle in and get ready, my farting friends.
When You Pee. Constantly.
If you think you'll never want (or need) incontinence panties — like adult diapers — think again. You will dribble pee whenever and wherever when you're postpartum.
Sneeze? Pee. Laugh? Pee. Think you might need to pee? Pee. Between the almost constant stream of pee and the bleeding, you're going to need some major absorbency, and adult diapers are the perfect solution. No shame, mama.
When Gas Escapes From Places It Really Shouldn't
I hate the word "queef." It's just one of those words (like moist) that sets my teeth on edge. But it happens, so we need to talk about it. Do your kegels and it'll stop happening eventually, but it will happen and usually when you could be most embarrassed by it (like when you're having sex or when you laugh in front of a group of people or, you know, like pretty much anytime ever.)
Again, just remember that you're not alone.
When You Smell Like Funk
If you thought your pregnancy funk was bad, just wait. Your hormones will be going bananas postpartum, and your armpits will have a very real struggle. Shower when you can, use deodorant liberally, and don't eat garlic.
Two Words: Postpartum Sex
Enough said, my friends. Enough said.
