Whether posted on social media, sent as a mailed card, or published in a newspaper, a baby's birth announcement is a felicitous signal to the rest of the world that after a tedious and sometimes stressful wait, your little one is here and you're ready for the adventure to begin. Truthfully, with few exceptions they're all pretty much the same. It's the baby's name, weight, length, accompanied by a picture, maybe an inspirational quote, and a message from the parents talking about their joy. But what would a birth announcement say if it was completely honest? So, so much more.
Let's face it; birth and the earliest days of parenting a newborn are not everything the impeccably designed birth announcements — with their pastels and artfully whimsical fonts and retouched professional photography — would lead us to believe. Honestly, that's fine, because if we were too honest about it no one would ever try to get pregnant again. Besides, sometimes glazing over the details paints a more important and in some ways more accurate picture of how we feel overall than relating the nitty gritty ever could. More often than not, it's not the sleeplessness and labor pains we remember most vividly, but how full of love we felt in those moments and despite the numerous hardships.
Still, even though the warm and fuzzy feelings every parent of a newborn feels is real, there's no denying that birth announcements are almost laughably incomplete. If they were completely and 100 percent honest, they'd look a little something like this...
"The Baby's First Poop At The Hospital Was Like Something Out Of A Horror Movie"
Like you know in horror movies where this thick black goo spills out of people's mouths or eyes or whatever else in a supernatural manner? That's basically what meconium poop looks like. If you don't know what meconium poop is or looks like, don't look it up. It will haunt your dreams, as it does ours. You will toss and turn wondering how such a hideous, tar-like substance could come out of your child. You wonder if there is something evil inside of them. You will worry you are all damned.
"Breastfeeding Is As Confusing And Awful As The Most Complicated, Nonsensical Season Of Lost"
Anyone who says breastfeeding is "the most natural thing in the world" can bite our collective ass. You'd think it's pretty straightforward, but no. Neither of us knows what we're doing or how to help and the baby certainly isn't contributing to our goal which is like, "Umm... you're the baby; this is one of, like, three things you're supposed to know how to do. Could you work with us?" But questions lead to more questions.
"Too Many People Came To Visit And Stayed Too Long"
We get it, you want to come fawn over our admittedly average-looking baby who can only really sleep and make horrifying poops (and can't even eat properly yet), but we're really just trying to rest and get our sh*t together. We'd appreciate your giving us time and space to do that. So, for real; pretend you're a vampire and do not enter our house unless you're invited.
"We're Including The Birth Weight But Why Do You Even Care?"
Seriously, why? Why is this a thing? Do you want to know how long you'd have to cook it for or something? Please don't cook our baby. We like our baby. In fact, we do have the sudden urge to chew on our baby's adorable little cheeks. But, no, we do not want to eat our baby.
"The Baby Is Not The Only One Crapping Their Pants. We Are Legit Terrified."
We're smiling, but we assure you we are screaming internally. Like, we sort of can't believe the hospital is just letting us waltz out of here with this kid without once checking our credentials. (Spoilers, btw: we have no credentials. Literally none.)