Life
None of us are immune to the occasional red flags in relationships. While most romances begin with the usual honeymoon, often we come to discover our partners aren’t as perfect as we initially believed. And that’s completely fine, of course. We all deal with minor inconveniences and mild annoyances in our relationships. Dirty dishes on the counter, hair left in the drain, laundry piling up, or the potential to forget important dates. These things happen. But what happens when they begin to happen frequently? When they begin to become a real problem? When things go beyond minor irritation and become hostile or abusive or worse?
As feminists, we have plenty of tools in our toolbox to deal with the BS of everyday life. We also have plenty of methods with which we deal with these often subtle relationship red flags. Feminism teaches us how to maintain respect for ourselves, how to stay safe, the importance of self-care, how to support one another, and how to reach out for help (through a variety of networks or to professionals) when all else fails. If any of these red flags apply to your own relationship, here are several feminist ways to handle them:
They Never Want To Communicate
A lack of communication can completely ruin a relationship. Feminists understand the importance of language and communication and would likely suggest you seek out couple’s therapy or setting aside regularly just to talk. If your partner just isn’t into it, figure out if you’re OK with this or if you need more out of a relationship. Feminists are more likely to figure out solutions that specifically fit their relationship, but either way, they're definitely not going to settle for not getting their needs met.
They’re Terrible To Other People For No Real Reason
This is a major red flag, and no feminist is going to look the other way. Being mean and nasty for no reason could be a sign of a more deep-rooted issue. Talk to your partner about it. Suggest counseling if they have anger issues they need to resolve. Let them know how uncomfortable you are by it. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t constantly bringing down the mood with their bad attitude.
They’re Visibly Depressed
Feminists are not super likely to run the other way when their partner is dealing with mental and emotional health problems, but they also know that getting pulled down into a codependent black hole isn't doing anyone any good. To we get proactive about depression, and encourage our partners to do the same: We discuss with them the possibility of seeing a therapist. If they’re open to it, we might even help them find one. If they’re not, or are on the fence, we might suggest some alternative approaches to treating depression, like exercise (yoga is especially helpful), meditation, getting their hormone levels checked, and changing their diet. It might give them the boost they need to eventually take the steps toward getting professional help.
You Never Get To Make Any Decisions
One of feminism’s main objectives is to achieve equality, not only among the sexes and genders, but also in terms of race, ability, sexuality, etc. If there is no equality in your relationship, it’s not a relationship worth sticking to. Any feminist would tell you to confront and change the situation or GTFO.
They Make Negative Comments About Your Physical Appearance
There are some folks who think it’s perfectly fine to belittle their partner’s physical appearance. News flash: It’s not OK. Feminists are all about body positivity or at the very least, body acceptance. If a partner is being abusive in this way, explain to them that they need to stop or this will end immediately.
They Never Apologize, Even When It’s Crystal Clear They’re Wrong
Gaslighting refers to the ability to turn a situation around so that it’s never your fault, so that the other person is made to feel as though they were losing their sense. It’s a manipulative tactic. If you believe your partner isn’t even aware of their own behavior, a counselor might be able to help. Otherwise, ending the relationship before you begin questioning your sanity is the safest bet.
None Of Your Friends Or Family Like Your Partner
This isn’t entirely a red flag on its own, but it can be. It honestly depends on why your friends/family dislike your partner. Confront them first and ask for their reasons. If it’s simply because they’re rough around the edges, it might be something you can work on with them and/or your partner (after all, everyone is different). But if they say they don’t like how your partner treats you, you might want to take their suggestions to heart.
And Your Partner Doesn’t Like Any Of Your Friends Or Family
Same rules apply. If they love you, they’ll find ways to work around their initial impressions and try to get to know the people you care about. Or if they see something negatively affecting you about your relationships with certain friends (because sometimes we don’t see it ourselves), and they explain it to you clearly, then maybe it’s not your partner that’s got to go.
They Won’t Give You Any Free Time
You can’t maintain a healthy relationship with someone who is always lying. Self-love and self-respect are vital aspect of feminism. You need to be sure to care for yourself and love yourself first and foremost. If your partner is demanding that you always be around, never giving you a moment to yourself, you need to figure out why this is happening and talk to them about it. Feminists recognize the importance of self-care and if your relationship won’t allow you to do this, it’s time to cut it loose.
You’re Unhappy
This is when you seek out your feminist circle of friends. They will be able to help you figure out if you’re unhappy due to your partner’s attitudes or behaviors, or if you’re suffering from depression and need therapy or possibly even medication, or if it’s a combination of things. Relationships do tend to shift around and it’s not always hot and happy, but if it goes on for too long, any feminist will tell you it needs addressing.