Oh yeah, kid: you watched me poop. The thought of me going to the bathroom on my own upset you to your core, apparently, and I had an audience for years. On the bright side, you were very polite about it. You would stare intently into my eyes, pat my knee, and say, "Good job pooping, mommy. You're such a big girl."

Of course, if we're being honest, I am a very big girl and I'm really awesome at pooping.

Which one of my children am I talking about here? Am I referring to my son or my daughter? Both of them and yet neither of them, because I'm talking about pretty much any toddler on the planet. Don't believe me? Spend more than a day with one. I promise you will witness full-on self-examinations. It's awkward and hysterical.

Turns out, no one takes your scolding seriously if you are obviously trying not to laugh as you chastise. "You have to be firm," say the Smug Sammys. No sh*t, dude. However, you try not laughing as an adorable mini-human tries to hide the fact that they've been eating candy by shoving the remaining uneaten candy into their mouths as quickly as possible and then giving you big, innocent puppy-dog eyes. Go ahead and see how long it takes you to crack a smile when they snap back angrily sounding exactly like you when you're angry.

Yeah, you still have to be firm as best you can, but we're only human.

Look, they're toddlers. Toddlers biologically lack even a fraction of the impulse control adults have (and anyone who has ever seen me around a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips knows my adult impulse control isn't all that impressive). .However, damned if their crappy behavior doesn't feel like a personal insult sometimes, especially when this is their third time out-worthy offense in 10 minutes.

Why? Why do you do this just to hurt me?

"Now everyone lie down, pretend you're asleep, and no one move or talk. The first person to move or talk loses."

When we play this game, you're never going to win because mommy is always the winner.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm so not sorry. The book takes forever to read and there's a million tongue twisters and I just really needed you to go to sleep, so I hid it in the top of the closet.

Oh sure, it was manageable when you were too little to have memorized every word and I could skip every other page. But once you oh-so-kindly pointed out, "Oops! Mommy! You missed a page! Go back!" that was the death knell of that particular tome.

I dare you to look at that picture and not laugh. Is he upset? Yeah, but he got over it. It's been almost five years and I'm still not over that adorably hilarious little pout because look at that damn face. Oh my God...

Holidays during childhood were amazing. Once I hit my teenager years and through most of my 20s? Meh. They were fine. It was nice to have a day off from time to time. However, when my kids came along, and especially once they were toddlers and more aware of their surroundings, holidays were suddenly spectacular again. It was like reliving all the childhood whimsy of the past while simultaneously seeing them through fresh new eyes.

Also, tending to the children provides an excellent excuse to get out of awkward conversations about personal skin ailments with Uncle Martin...

Yes, you two would scream and cry at one another, but whatever. Those fights helped to develop good problem solving and conflict resolution skills. You're welcome.

It's not their fault, and I still love them, but anyone who required that much of my attention (i.e. all of it) that much of the time (i.e. all the time) is bound to get annoying sometimes. It's like, "Can't you just handle your own business for, like, an hour? One hour alone. That's all I need to do everything it will take me three days to do with you hanging on me."

Do you know how much a full wardrobe of really adorable clothing for me would cost? A lot. However, a full wardrobe for a tiny little body that requires less material and labor? Even my meager budget can work with that price point.

I'm not one who normally likes to project and live vicariously through her children, but that's absolutely what I do with my toddler's clothes. Once they get opinions and preferences I honor those (which is why the vast majority of my kindergartener's t-shirts feature Pokémon), but before then? Before then my kids wear all the adorable clothing I secretly want to wear.

Toddlers couldn't care less about social norms or propriety. They want their bare asses free to feel gentle summer breezes! To feel the warm sun on their cute little belly buttons. What even is clothing, you guys? Vive la vie au naturel!

My kids loved this show, which is proof positive that toddlers need adult guidance and supervision because they make terrible decisions when left to their own devices. Whenever this show comes on, I want to reach through the screen and smack all of those baby dinosaurs in their over-earnest, cartoon faces. I'll smack Don twice. The only comfort I can muster for myself is to know that all dinosaurs met a fiery, violent end, so if they were ever real they're now dead.

Oh sure, I'll let them have the occasional play date with pretty much any of their friends, but the standing appointments? Those are reserved for the cool moms. I don't especially care how much my toddler liked her kid: as long as they got along moderately that was fine by me. (And hey! Bonus points if they love the child in question!) Mommy needs some interaction with a fellow mommy who was on her level.

Yes, as previously mentioned, toddlers can be really annoying sometimes. Other times, however, they are legit the coolest person you know. They're honest, their funny, they have zero f*cks to give, they're adorable, and they love you. When the world seems awful (and, seriously, doesn't the world seem really awful lately), the magnificence of your toddler will shine through, reviving your faith in humanity and hope for the future.

I'm super glad my toddler likes her Wonder Woman doll, because that allows me the opportunity to buy her similar dolls and play with those, too.

Don't you judge me. It says 3 and up, you guys. And up.

I'm really competitive, and sometimes it's painful to lose all the time. Even on purpose. Even to a baby. So, some day, I will bitterly assure my children that their childhood was a lie and I am the reigning champion of literally everything.

Because they should be called "popsipops!"

Because I didn't want to share and you were never going to look in there. Don't get all judgmental and tell me I should have shared. I share everything else with my child, from my bank account to my body. I deserve two measly peanut butter cups to myself.

It's not like they were interested in anything more than pushing the buttons anyway. Even if they had been, it's not like they would have been able to do anything anyway. So any time we passed an arcade game we just let them pound on the buttons and told them they won.

If my partner was playing a video game and the little one wanted to horn in, he just handed them an unplugged controller and let them pretend while he snuck in some gaming time right under their noses. It was genius and we're not sorry.

Toddler brains work funny. Even if you can literally understand the words coming out of their mouth, those words don't always make a ton of sense. Why? Well, because your toddler will randomly re-start a conversation they abruptly ended, like, three days ago and then get pissed off when you don't realize that and catch up. This makes them angry and even more incomprehensible.

You loved that little ball of fluff and he, well, he tolerated you on his best days. It was basically like living inside a Pepe Le Pew cartoon.

There was no other way to get through those years. Toddler's don't accept a reasonable "no" without a huge argument, and sometimes a firm "no" is necessary even with an ensuring argument. That's how you learn the world doesn't revolve around you. However, little white lies make the process so much more bearable on days when you can't even. For example:

"Mommy, I want to go to the playground!"

"The playground is closed."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is. Huge construction project. It's re-opening tomorrow. Maybe. If you're good and I have the time to drive there."

In 34 years I have not yet found a sensation as immeasurably and uniquely amazing as cuddling with a toddler. It's simultaneously the most thrilling and peaceful feeling in the world.

You're more glorious and enchanting than a fairy riding a unicorn to meet her mermaid date at the wizarding school prom. I love you so much, and I can't wait until you are self-aware enough for me to tell you all about it.