Even though I really and truly didn't have a gender preference when I was pregnant with my daughter, I cried happy tears when my midwife told me it was a girl. I knew this was going to be my last baby, and I was really pleased to know I would have the experience of parenting a son (my first child) and a daughter. In the ensuing 17 months since her birth, however, I've come to an important realization: Aside from cosmetic differences, parenting a son and a daughter, so far, has been pretty much exactly the same. They're not a boy and a girl. They're just... themselves. Their genders are more or less inconsequential at this point. (Now I just need to make everyone else understand that.)
Studies have shown that, even when we don't mean to, we interact with boy babies and girl babies differently, right down to the way we hold them. As they get older, these differences become more indoctrinated and pronounced. I've been a girl/woman for quite some time now, and so I have been well acquainted with the sexist, gendered crap that pervades our culture and world. But somehow, naively, I suppose, I didn't really grasp that this was something I would have to put up with when it came to my daughter. I didn't realize, having had a son, that I would have to start standing up for my daughter (against expectation and stereotypes) from the time she was an infant.
As it turns out, that was the least of what having a son didn't prepare me for when it comes to parenting my daughter.
People Telling Me How Much We'll Hate Each Other When She's A Teenager
OK, I get it: the teen years are hard on a lot of mothers and daughters... but have you ever stopped to think that maybe, sometimes, when you go on about what a nightmare it's going to be starting from before she's even born, you're setting up an expectation that it will be? And maybe if/when things get tough, this expectation encourages both teens and parents view this bump in the road as something inevitable that must be endured rather than something they can work on immediately to improve? Aren't you possibly just planted a gross little seed that doesn't need to be there, and perpetuating the idea of women as being catty and in constant competition?
Granted, I am coming at this as someone who had a really good relationship with her mother when she was a teen (and the feeling is mutual: My mom says my teen years were some of her favorite as a parent), but I seriously think the mother/daughter teen sagas have at least as much to do with the idea that adult-bodied women must be turned against one another as it does with the teen years naturally being tough on everyone.
People Constantly Telling My Son He Has To Protect Her
I think it's massively creepy and weird to tell a 4 year old that he needs to protect his little sister, on a bunch of levels. First, he's four: He can't always put his socks on without help, let alone defend a toddler. Second, it's indoctrinating him in condescending paternalism that indicates that he is stronger and more capable than a girl. Third, no child should have that much responsibility placed on them. Obviously the people telling him this don't actually believe he is responsible for keeping his sister safe, but he doesn't know that. I just feel like that's a lot of psychological weight to put on a small child.
"Oh you and your feminist nitpicking!" you might tsk at me. "Can't we say anything without you poo-pooing it?" To this I say, "Just say it in a not creepy way." How about like this...
"Being a brother/sister is special, and you two should always try to help each other."
See! Same basic sentiment with none of the sexism. HUZZAH!
Diaper Disasters
OK, so they're not all based entirely on gender roles and sexism. Sometimes the differences are practical. I can honestly say I was not prepared for this physical aspect of having a baby girl. Without getting into too much detail here: changing a baby boy is pretty straight-forward. Yes, you have to be a little more careful about getting peed on, but the business of changing a baby girl's diaper is... more intricate and labor intensive than changing a baby boy's diaper. So many crevices. (OK, we're done here. You can walk away now. I'm sorry for taking it to a poo place, but it's true.)
Images: whosjo_mama/Instagram; Giphy(6)