Life
It’s happening. Someone is selling Bernie Sanders underwear, donning the phrase "Feel The Bern." This is not a drill, people. The creepy (but let's be honest, kind of hilarious) garment is inspired by a line from Saturday Night Live’s October 17 episode, when Larry David portrayed Sanders at the Democratic debate. In case you missed it, here are some of David's most memorable lines from the sketch:
I don’t have a Super PAC, I don’t even have a backpack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor, you know between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That’s it! Some of these billionaires, they have three, four pairs. And I don’t have a dryer! I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders, or a guy who has one pair of clean underwear that he dries on a radiator?
That was all it took for a trio of enterprising Bernie fans to throw together Bernie’s Briefs, which promises 10 percent of all profits to the Yellow Ribbon Fund, which benefits injured service members. The underwear, which costs $15 a pair (no wonder Bernie only has one), are available in women’s briefs, men’s briefs (which look saggy and sad), or boxer-briefs. They feature a cartoon image of Sanders’ face, which is where with the caption “Feel the Bern” also appears — which, ew. I’m sorry, but that phrase paired with that area is just not doing it for me. (I guess the designers have never had a yeast infection or Mexican food to know that that phrase is all too real?)
Although it’s not officially licensed merchandise, Bernie’s cool with it. He recently told Vermont’s WCAX, "It cracks me up, it's unbelievable, cracks me up. I guess we have Bernie underwear now.” And it’s possibly not even the strangest campaign merch out there right now. Take a look at some of the items available for purchase on presidential candidates’ official websites:
Marco Rubio Phone Case
Marco Rubio is offering a phone case (available for both iPhone and Samsung Galaxy) that says "Let freedom ring." Get it? Because phones ring! Well, not really; they usually play song now, or just vibrate. But you get the point! This will surely be relevant for years to come.
Martin O'Malley Hoodie
Martin O'Malley, who is still running for president, would like you to buy this hoodie, emblazoned with some very confusing speech bubbles. Does it represent two people doing a call-and-response? Four people chanting? Why is only one bubble pointing to the left? And most importantly, who is Martin O'Malley?
Ugly Ted Cruz Shirt
Ted Cruz, noted Texan, has a whole category devoted to hunting gear on his official site. Why not pick up a 3/4 length raglan sleeve "hunting" shirt? This is totally what hunters wear to hunt; the prominent "Cruz" on the front strikes fear into the hearts of deer.
Rick Santorum Tee
Rick Santorum also has shirts. They are white, which is a classic color for a shirt. They bear eagles, which are even more American than hunting. Vote Santorum, maybe?
Ben Carson Scrubs
Dr. Ben Carson is a doctor. Are you a doctor, too? Or a nurse, or a dentist, dental assistant, nurse's aid, physician's assistant or dental hygienist? Hey, maybe you could wear this to work! Or maybe not, because the tag identifies the wearer as "Dr. Ben Carson, Pediatric Neurosurgeon," and you might accidentally get pulled into an operating room if you're wearing it and then who knows what will happen? Maybe don't buy these scrubs.
Huckabee's Rude Anti-Hillary Shirt
What the heck is this? This doesn't even have Mike Huckabee's name on it. Listen, if I want to wear a shirt proclaiming my hatred for someone, I'll just use a Hanes undershirt and a Sharpie like a regular maniac. You're not getting my twenty bucks, Huck.
Oh Come On, Rand Paul!
I take back what I said about Huckabee. Rand Paul is selling "Hillary's Hard Drive," which comes with a "wiping cloth." Supposedly, it's a "100% genuine erased clean email server." It was originally priced at $99.95, but is not only clearance for $59.95. Wonder why.
Trump's Hideous Hat
For all those times when you're cosplaying a clueless middle-aged man who thinks the neighborhood kids are messing with his tomato plants when he goes to bed: this ill-fitting hat!
Hillary's Throw Pillow
Okay, this is actually pretty cute. It's also $55, which is a bit more than I like to spend on a throw pillow (#TeamIKEA), but I really dig the message. I wonder if it's really cross-stitched, or just screen printed.
Jeb's "Gauca Bowle"
It's a guacamole bowl. It's got a fun(?) name. It's seventy-five bucks. And it doesn't even have Jeb's name on it. This item is inspired by Jeb and his wife, Columba's fondness for making guacamole on "Sunday Funday." Jeb will not share his secret recipe with you, but I'll give you mine: mash one avocado. Add a splash of lemon juice. Dump a bunch of Goya Adobo seasoning on it. Mix. Serve in a reasonably-priced bowl.
Images: Bernie’s Briefs, Marco Rubio, Martin O’Malley, Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jeb Bush
