Whether you're ready for intimacy six weeks after giving birth or it takes you six months to get back to your normal sexual self, you probably have a lot of questions about postpartum sex. One of those questions might surround what is known as "kinky sex." Whether or not it was a part of your repertoire before giving birth, you may be thinking, "is kinky sex safe postpartum?".
In order to find an answer, Romper spoke with certified sex educator, mother, and author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex Through Pregnancy and Motherhood Madison Young. She explains there are many factors that affect when a woman is able to engage in sex, such as how she is feeling emotionally and physically and what types of sex she is interested in engaging in. Because sex is not just a physical experience, but rather an emotional and psychological one as well, Young recommends that women recognize that their bodies may be healed enough for the act but that they pause enough to consider whether they're actually ready.
"Just because your body might feel fine and ready for intercourse doesn’t mean that emotionally or psychologically that a woman is at a point where [sex] is what she desires," Young says. "There are identity shifts that happen [after giving birth], a process of reconnecting and getting to know our own bodies again. A period of time in which we are learning what our new bodies desire, what type of touch feels good and pleasurable during this transitional postpartum state."
Before engaging in any kind of sex, kinky or not, it's important to reconnect with your own bodies and desires, Young explains. For instance, some women may feel weepy and "touched out" from all of the energy surrounding healing and breastfeeding, while others feel high on the endorphin rush of giving birth and may want to be intimate with their partner much sooner. The same applies for whether a couple is talking about vanilla or kinky sex.
"I would say if kink wasn’t a part of your previous play then choosing your first three months of motherhood to start exploring kink might not be the best choice," Young says. "However, if kink was always a part of your sexual play, you might find that it quite easily makes its way back into your sex life. But take things easy and slow and check in with yourself and your partner and make sure to leave plenty of time for communication and negotiation."
Young's recommendation for engaging in kinky sex postpartum are to go through the following process:
- Check in with yourself: What do you desire? What type of touch sounds good to your body right now? What type of intimacy would be the most nourishing for you? What type of connection do you crave with your partner? How do you envision that connection being met?
- Communicate these desires and limits to your partner.
- Give feedback: If something feels too rough or if you thought something would feel good but doesn’t, say so. If you need more, lube say so. Feedback is how we learn and communication is SEXY.
- Have post-sex check-in: Talk about what was sexy and what worked well for you. What you would like to try more of.
The other important thing is to understand that motherhood may have changed what you like in the bedroom, and to communicate with your partner about this. For instance, prior to motherhood you may have really loved breast bondage or nipple clamps, but are your breasts off limits now? If you are breastfeeding, you may want to consider setting limits surrounding breast play and what kind of touch is OK for you, according to Young.
Ultimately, it's important to be in touch with your own body before engaging in any kind of sex postpartum — though Young also advises to not be afraid to experiment a little bit once you're ready.
