There was a time, before I hit 13 weeks into my twin pregnancy, when I loved the idea of ultrasounds. I looked forward to them and was anxious to experience them and see my babies move and grow, even if it was in black and white and they looked like aliens. Then, at my second ultrasound visit, everything changed. My doctor told me that there were "complications," and I was inundated with the things every mom thinks when she's told something's "wrong" during an ultrasound visit. Suddenly, this wasn't a happy occasion, it was a scary one. Suddenly, I didn't want to have another ultrasound again, because I knew what it was like to hear bad news and didn't want to chance ever hearing that news again.
Sadly, I would hear this news numerous times throughout my twin pregnancy. First, one of my sons was diagnosed with a "thick nuchal fold," or thick neck, which could be indicitive of either Down syndrome or severe heart defects. I was sent down on a path that included more tests (including a chorionic villus sampling, or CVS, which meant a long needle would be inserted into my stomach to test for chromosomal abnormalities) and more ultrasounds. Then, at 19 weeks, an ultrasound confirmed that my other twin son's heart had stopped beating, and he had died. My twin pregnancy was now a single, slightly complicated pregnancy, and I would eventually birth a baby that was alive (and healthy, as my son was misdiagnosed) and a baby that would never take a single breath.
So, yeah, I don't really like ultrasounds. My partner and I are trying and hoping for another pregnancy, and the mere thought of sitting (well, laying) through another ultrasound gives me anxiety. It's hard to hear horrible, sad, scary, debilitating news like that, and then subsequently put it out of my mind. That's why I've been, somewhat reluctantly, reminiscing on how those moments in the ultrasound room and doctor's office felt, and the thoughts I had when it all felt overwhelming. Here, in no particular order, are a few: