My first experience with unapologetic judgement and shame came around my kid's second Christmas, when we took him for another round of pictures with Santa. Another mother and somewhat of an acquaintance used social media to shame my decision for letting my kid sit on a stranger's lap, and in that moment I realized what it was like to be judged and shamed for a decision that, honestly, didn't affect anyone but my immediate family. What I didn't realize was how shaming moms actually hurts kids; not until I found myself sitting on my couch crying, feeling like a horrible mother who was screwing up her child, only to have my son come up to me and hug me with the absolute saddest look on his face. He saw that his mother was hurting and, well, he was starting to hurt, too.
When the collective "we" talk about the "mommy wars" and shaming moms, we tend to focus on how it affects mothers. Seems fair, as it can be extremely detrimental and relentlessly hurtful and, well, anything but fun. However, I think it's worth our time to focus on what happens to children when they either see their mother being judged and shamed, or see their mother judging and shaming someone else. Kids learn by watching our actions and listening to our words, and not necessarily the actions and words we direct towards them. They're constantly watching and examining how we interact with the world around us, which will no doubt shape how they end up interacting with the world they'll one day face on their own.
If we want to teach our children that judging and shaming people isn't acceptable, we can't turn around and judge and shame moms. Not only do we hurt a mother that is probably (read: definitely) just trying to do her best, we unknowingly hurt the kids around us. Here are just a few ways how: