Life
Pregnant women have all kinds of aversions during pregnancy; from smells to foods. But did you know that you, too, dear reader, could be contributing to the problem? People aren't always aware of the myriad of ways they can be completely ruining a pregnant woman's day; whether it's by having eaten something that makes her stomach want to hurl, or saying something that makes her want to crawl into a hole and cry. Major turn offs every pregnant woman wants you to avoid can run the gamut from awkward comments you might make to her, to the way you approach her belly like it is a magical genie lamp.
Consider this list an advanced warning of things not to do around a pregnant woman if you want to remain in her good graces. Lucky for the people in my life, when I was pregnant I was able to remain mostly calm when people did a lot of these things to me. However, just because I didn't unleash a hormonal rage didn't mean I wasn't feeling a lot of side-eye (or judging you, honestly). And if you did do any of things, you can know for real, that I was totally turned off.
Wearing Aggressive Smelling Colognes Or Fragrances Around Her
Fresh smelling ocean breezes that come from nature? Sure. Spring flowers as she's walking past a garden? Yes please. Your overpowering fragrance that you've decided to douse yourself in that morning that may smell good to you but that is registering as a migraine and a possible trip to the toilet to vomit for your pregnant buddy? Big time no.
Of course, it is impossible to live one's life trying to imagine how it might affect everyone else around you (but kudos to the people who constantly try to be mindful of this). If you know that you're going to hang out with a pregnant friend, or that you're about to eat lunch with a preggo, consider laying off the Axe Body Spray or the Chanel No. 5.
Eating Anything Smelling Remotely Of Garlic Or Onions Within Days Of Seeing Her
Pregnant women have a superhuman sense of smell that cannot be denied, especially when those smells have to do with garlic and onions. Pardon the analogy, but you could probably hire a pregnant woman to do the work of a crime-scene dog if the perpetrator were wearing a garlic- or onion-soaked-shirt on the night of the crime. A pregnant woman can even smell the mere suggestion of garlic or onion. For example, if a chef had considered adding it to a dish, but then decided against it, she would smell that moment of indecision.
When I was pregnant, I was convinced that the water in our Brita had a garlic smell. My husband thought I was crazy. He insisted that there was no garlic in our fridge. For weeks, I thought he was right. Then, when I could not take it anymore, I decided to clear out the fridge, down to the very last jar of yuzu paste. Guess what? There was garlic in some of those cooking pastes. Once I eliminated every cooking paste (sorry, babe) the garlic smell in our water disappeared. Amazing!
Making Any Kind Of Suggestion That She Slow Down Or Take It Easy
If you enjoy being stared at as if red hot lasers are coming out of your pregnant pal's eyes, then by all means, tell her she should probably take the elevator instead of the stairs to walk down the two flights to get from the office to the lobby. Pregnant women do not appreciate comments from the masses (i.e. anyone who is not their own trusted medical professional) about what is appropriate for their physical activity. In making comments about their physical ability, you'll be sure to not only turn them off, but you also might make them feel insecure about themselves.
Attempting To Remove A Beverage Or Food Item She Is About To Enjoy Or Is Currently Consuming
How dare you you try to take away that lovely regularly caffeinated latte she just began sipping because you heard that "caffeine isn't good for pregnant women." Who made you the guru on all things pregnancy? If you try to come between a pregnant woman and her food and beverage choices, prepare to be on the losing side of a battle. You will always be left in the dust, dear reader.
There was nothing I hated more than when someone I knew tried to suggest I shouldn't be eating a certain kind of (pasteurized) cheese, or enjoying a bagel with lox. Even people that I thought were totally chill would suddenly serve up a dose of "Are you sure you should eat that?" and I'd be so majorly turned off at their suggestion that I couldn't make regular everyday decisions about how to feed myself properly and responsibly while I was pregnant.
Making Comments About How Much Her Life Is About To Change
Hey, thanks Captain Obvious! How on Earth would a pregnant woman survive without your infinite wisdom and insight about this major life event that is about to take place in her life? What a wonderful friend you are. I think that most pregnant women are aware of how hard the you-know-what is about to hit the fan. So, unless they bring it up, they really do not require a reminder about it. Such a turn off.
Touching Her Body Without Asking
If you are a licensed masseuse who has been hired by a pregnant woman to provide prenatal massage services, then please, go to town on her body. Everyone else? Yeah, hands the eff off.
A pregnant woman's body is not a free for all. Her body is not a Laughing Buddha statue. Rubbing her belly will not make any of your wishes come true. Most of the time, if you rub a pregnant woman's belly unbidden, she will be cringing inside and counting the seconds until it is over. I know that when people touched my belly, I was tempted to reach over and touch theirs, just to show them how weird it is when people rub your body randomly and without asking for consent.
Bringing Up The Topic Of Her Vagina
I mean, seriously. Really, guys? Do we really need to be reminded that it is not polite to ask women about their vaginas in casual conversation? When you ask a pregnant woman if she is dilated, and you are not her doctor, it is kind of like asking someone how big a poop they took that day. None of anyone's business, right? And doesn't it just sound weird when you think about it? Yet, people ask pregnant women intimate questions about their bodies all the time, and in all kinds of awkward situations, like on line at school pickup, or waiting for coffee at the coffee shop. This is not for public consumption. Sure, she might offer that information to you, and in that case, cool! But if not, it is impolite, and a complete turn off for many women, if you ask.
Telling Her That Pregnant Women Turn You On (And You're Not Her Partner)
Well this is awkward. You might think that you're giving her a super big complement tied in a giant bow, but really, she doesn't want to hear it unless you are her partner. A pregnant woman does not need you to validate how she looks by fetishizing her bump. She does not require a mental image of the two of you fornicating or you getting turned on later that night while envisioning her naked body and her growing child inside her belly. I mean. Ew.
