Dobby is so annoying at first, but then you remember that Bellatrix kills him later and UGH. Dobby, I love you.

Knowing what you know now about the Ministry of Magic, how is it possible that they thought Harry performed magic when it was actually Dobby? It's the Ministry of Magic for crying out loud.

Why is Petunia so surprised about learning that Hogwarts students can't perform magic outside of school? Surely she must've known Lily couldn't turn rats into tea cups when she came home for vacation. Is this a new rule? Get it together, Petunia.

It has to be that they think they'll get in trouble with Dumbledore, right? Why would they try and hold on to him so he didn't get pulled into the Weasleys' car? Let him go, Dursleys. You don't even like him!

He's always been a yellow-bellied coward. What the hell? How come he gets away in the end, Rowling? Unfair.

The first visit to the Burrow makes me homesick, especially knowing that it gets caught on fire later in the series. But seriously, how do I become a Weasley? I think they're all married now except Charlie. (and, obviously, the deceased Fred. RIP) But I could deal with dragons.

But with better hair.

Whoa. Apparently it hasn't been working in a long time since Harry can hide inside it without disappearing. Nicely done, J.K.

So smarmy. One of my favorite characters, and one of the few you hardly hear from. See you in a few years at St. Mungo's you fraudulent b*stard.

I mean, I know he drops it in Ginny's cauldron to pin one of his illegal possessions on the Weasley family, but I still have questions. How does he have this diary? Does he even know what it is? Did he ever try to write in it? I mean, I'm assuming that Voldemort gave it to him at one point and was like, "Hey, Lu, hold this for me, will ya?" And then he just gives it away? Lucius is really the worst Death Eater to ever death eat.

Don't go back, Weasleys. You're already running late. Ginny doesn't need that diary, trust me on this.

I mean, why send the Howler later about the car? Weren't you wondering where the hell Harry and Ron were as the train was taking off?

Aren't you supposed to be protecting him so his mother's death wasn't in vain? I know you have to pretend to abhor him, but dude. Expelling him is a little much.

Forgot all about you and your obsession with Harry, little dude. PS. Isn't it totally weird to hear from these characters knowing they're going to die at the Battle of Hogwarts. I hope there was some kind of memorial implemented.

Didn't Harry have the best broomstick ever not even a year ago? Is the Apple development team behind all of these damn broomsticks?

I get why this was cut out of the movie, but still. So entertaining. A party to celebrate a ghost's death!

The first chat with Moaning Myrtle!

Regardless of how much you despise Filch, poor kitty cat!

Trying to blame Harry for this nonsense when you know he's not the heir of Slytherin. What is wrong with you? This is not very protective behavior. Cast your patronus and remember where you came from, sir.

And his boring, ghost-self. But he's actually the one to share the story of the Chamber of Secrets so props for not being terrible this one time, Professor.

Also, I forgot how long it took to brew. And that Hermione became a cat/human hybrid. Jealous!

Obviously Harry does not believe you and has no idea what danger you speak of. Know your audience, man. Or why doesn't Harry tell someone that this damn house elf won't leave him alone?

And why did he let him start a dueling club? Did Dumbledore believe all of Lockhart's nonsense?

God, some of these students are such a-holes. Obviously if the snake stopped what it was doing, which was planning to attack you, Justin Finch-Fletchley, then Harry wasn't egging it on to attack you. Such prejudice against Parselmouths.

"Maybe he murdered Myrtle." He did, Ron! Obviously you are the smartest of the trio.

Having Hagrid thrown in Azkaban and Dumbledore sent away, UGH. Lucius, go away and be a coward somewhere else. How in the hell did this guy become a governor for Hogwarts?

THE END.

How does a second-year Hogwarts student discover that the monster is a basilisk? She's so smart.

Even if all the other professors think he's for real, why did they just let him go alone? What the hell are all the other professors doing while Ginny Weasley is stuck in the Chamber of Secrets? Drinking Butterbeer?

I don't get this. How does Tom Riddle know what's happened to him in the future? I always assumed when Harry and Ginny were writing in the diary that they were just speaking with a 16-year-old Voldemort who wouldn't know the future, just his own memory. If Lucius had ever written in the diary, could he have done the dark lord's work through Voldemort's 16-year-old self? Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed.

Is it because he wasn't fully destroyed? Is it because Fawkes cries on the wound? I need answers.

I mean, I know you're a Gryffindor and everything because the sword presented itself to you, but dude.

Like, not even a little bit. He was just mad at Arthur Weasley's Muggle Protection Act so he thought he'd frame Ginny with an illegal artifact. Get it together, Dark Lord. Your follower betrays you at every turn.

Wait a second. If Lucius was only putting the diary in Ginny's cauldron to get rid of it and get the Weasleys in trouble, how did Dobby follow that logic to mean that Harry shouldn't go to Hogwarts? He'd have no idea that Ginny would actually use the diary, do all of those horrific things, and then end up putting Harry in danger. Furthermore, even if he did know that somehow, that means he knew what the diary was and what it was capable of, which means so did Lucius, and that makes Lucius even more horrible of a Voldemort groupie for tossing away part of his lord's soul. So is Dobby psychic? Did he have a premonition? Did he talk to Professor Trelawney? I'm going to have to tweet my queen J.K. about this.

Yay! Also, what was he doing in Hogwarts that day? Isn't he a house-elf? Is Lucius scared to travel alone?